Let’s Talk About it Later….

The rough stuff feels less scary and we are able to focus more on the positive.

When my kids were really little, one of our bedtime rituals was to name all the people that loved them. It started as a way to talk about our family in far away states who they didn’t see often. But then they added friends, and when they added their pre-school teachers I knew our ritual was affirming their ability to feel safe with other people besides their parents.

If we were going to be talking instead of sleeping, I thought we could include some reflections on our day. We started discussing all the amazing things they had done in their practicing that day. Some nights it was just an acknowledgement that it had happened even when the allure of Magnatiles was so strong. No accomplishment was too small (hooray for soft thumbs!!), and most nights we came up with a long list. Soon, both boys were recognizing all they had achieved and coming up with their own reasons to be proud of themselves.

The effect on their practicing was remarkable. They loved coming up with things to compliment themselves on later in the day. And, when we struggled or there was a melt down, we had the opportunity to sort it out when time had passed and everyone was calm. I stopped trying to problem solve in my head because I knew we had time carved out to actually talk. One thing is for sure, talking about what was going on during practice WHILE practicing or immediately after did not work for us.  It came out sounding like something was wrong that we needed to fix. I didn’t want anybody (myself included) to feel like we had just messed up when actually we were being human.

When we talk about it later, the rough stuff feels less scary and we are able to focus more on the positive. And it provides a window into how they are talking to themselves. I want those inside voices to be positive, constructive, and confident.

As I write, I realize it’s been a long time since we used our nighttime talks this way. There is so much to talk about, and it all seems to come out at 10 p.m. But we’ll go back to it. I think tweens and teens need even more opportunities for confident self-talk, especially as they move toward practice independence. I love reminding my kids how amazing I think they are.